"Ugh, So Am I a Love Addict?"

Tips for folks who are curious but scared to explore SLAA

Hi, I’m Lauren. I’m a sex and love addict. (Hi Lauren!)

If you’re curious about SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) or what it means to be in this addiction, you’ve come to the right place! Also, it’s totally okay if your exploration stops here.

Perhaps you’re stuck in an unhealthy relationship or you’ve noticed a pattern in how you show up in sexual or romantic situations. Maybe you avoid them completely. Maybe you jump right into sleeping with people because it’s too scary to actually get to know them or for them to get to know you.

Maybe you’ve been in a long-term relationship that doesn’t meet your needs but you’re afraid to be alone or responsible for your own needs. Maybe you’ve never been alone!

Maybe you’ve done what you can do in therapy but this form of healing alone isn’t cutting it. And maybe it’s really overwhelming to consider joining a group like SLAA.

Here are some helpful tips:

1. Don’t worry about labeling yourself

Toying with the idea of attending a support group of any kind is a huge step. Congrats on being brave!

Visiting a 12-step meeting does not have to be a lifelong commitment. This journey can end at any time. You can go to one meeting and decide you hate it, though I’d recommend trying out at least a few—-the program often suggests six. You could shop around at different ones to see how you feel in particular spaces without any obligation to return or make friends or do step work. You could attend for a period of time then take a break. You could plan to take a break and then never go back. Your body, your choice!

I know labels like “addict/ion” can deter people who are curious about programs, especially SLAA. It took me a year to finally go to a meeting after my therapist first suggested I do so. We were about to end our umpteenth session of me ruminating about the person I was dating, when my therapist said: “Maybe you should go to a meeting for sex and love addiction.” WHAT!? I could tell she was two seconds from cutting me off like Jennifer Lopez’s therapist Fat Joe did in “This is Me… Now” and I couldn’t blame her.

At this time, like at others before, my romantic world had become seriously distracting and disruptive—and my therapist alone could not pull me out, nor could concerned friends and family. But what would it mean if I was a fucking love addict? Had any of my previous relationships been real or simply a byproduct of my sickness? And how would I be able to push pause on my fixations when they’d been my main source of survival since childhood?

Love addiction was a daunting label that I couldn’t willingly accept—my confusion and shame was just too overwhelming. If I was a love addict, what did this mean for the rest of my life? How would I move through the world if relationships were not front and center? Would I be prohibited from hours of listening to Folklore and binge-watching Normal People? Maybe it didn’t have to be so black-and-white but my brain struggled to comprehend living in a world filled with triggers of sexual obsession and romantic intrigue that I would now just have to ignore. Plus, I was still seeing someone who I was deeply addicted to.

It wasn’t until difficult events in my non-relationship/relationship smacked me so hard in the face that I was finally ready to to take a sober look at my patterns—and the consequences of my addiction. My sleep and eating habits had become irregular. I was cycling through withdrawal constantly, which led my substance use to become unmanageable. Friendships were impacted and big life goals tossed to the wayside. The thing that had mattered most to me was getting a fix from my person-drug and now it had to end—a line had been crossed that finally made it easy to walk away. I wish I’d been able to remove myself at my own will but I’m grateful nonetheless that the Universe chose for me.

This would have to be the last time my dating life caused me so much anguish. I simply didn’t have it in me to do it again, which meant now I’d have to find a totally new way of living. Suddenly I felt optimistic for a future that was totally unknown. So where was the roadmap for this new life?

Programs and labels don’t exist to pathologize people just for the fun of it, but because words give us a way of looking at, understanding, and approaching our issues.

We love labels that feel affirming and give us guidance!

I was grateful to have a friend also trying out SLAA at the same time that I was in contemplation. I started out with a few online meetings (in other countries!), then eventually went in-person to a local meeting with my friend. It was terrifying but a homecoming of sorts. So I resolved to *keep coming back* as they say.

Eventually I embraced SLAA nomenclature because when I knew what to call my experience, I felt more grounded in myself, in my path forward, and in connecting with others like me.

That said, there’s no urgency to wear something unless it really feels like a fit!

2. Read up on some literature

Gathering information can be helpful in getting to know more about sex/love addiction and deciding if a 12-step program is an appropriate route.

If you’re curious about SLAA, its website offers super helpful pamphlets and workbooks with fun titles like Romantic Obsession and Setting Bottom Lines.

If you’re unsure about the fit of this program, below are two handy (and perhaps sobering) self-assessments, one for sex and love addiction, the other for social/emotional/sexual/romantic anorexia. I would recommend exploring both:

The 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis

Am I Anorexic? – 50 Questions for Self Diagnosis

Also, since we’re here, here’s a self-inventory for CoDA, or Co-Dependents Anonymous:

Am I Co-Dependent?

It may be a bit content-heavy, but another great resource is this book: Facing Love Addiction. What a read—-in every sense. This was information I really needed to hear.

(And don’t miss out on its sibling book!: Facing Codependence)

3. Join a meeting on Zoom

While in-person meetings are really wonderful, Zoom meetings are a great option, especially for shy newcomers who want to get a feel for what happens at these things with the option to turn off one’s camera and easily exit at any time.

Consider also if you might feel safer choosing meetings based on specific needs and/or identities. Maybe that means finding a meeting with an anorexia focus, one for a particular gender, or one for BIPOC or LGBTQIA folks only.

4. You can always just listen

Newcomers will be asked to name themselves (by their first names only), but after that, there is no expectation to share. You can just be present and receive other peoples’ shares.

5. Don’t be afraid to make your own rules!

Okay, so the whole point of joining a fellowship is that you get to be a bottom for a pre-existing program where other people have found success, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still have agency. As they say in the program: “Take what you like and leave the rest!”

For example, if you don’t want to say “God” during the serenity prayer, you can use another word: Higher Power, Goddess, Beyoncé. Whatever feels right.

There might be recommendations for step work, finding a sponsor, and attending a regular meeting, but all of that can come if/when it feels right. There is no rush and actually it’s really important to follow your own readiness with each offering. There are a ton of options in recovery and one can feel easily overwhelmed. One step at a time really is the name of the game.

All that said, surrendering to a program like SLAA can be a beautiful thing, when someone is ready and open to what can come.

One of the signs of recovery states: “We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and emotional dependency.” If your whole life strategy has led you to a place of physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual sickness, 12-step programs provide a clear, supportive outline for how to be in recovery, starting with Step One.

6. Remember that you’re not alone!

Seriously. Even though this isn’t a widely recognized or understood addiction, it’s real and it’s everywhere. Many people have already paved the way for this kind of recovery, whether that means attending meetings, going to therapy, reading self-help books, creating a meaningful spiritual practice, or all of the above.

As always, I’m not a representative for SLAA, just a concerned citizen who believes in passing along information that’s available and underused. Thank you for reading!